I’m jealous

I’m a good person.  Happy.  Thoughtful.  I work hard.  I’m loyal, philanthropic, diligent, funny with a generous dose of sarcasm.  I choose joy.  I like myself.

Do I want to be more and do more?  Yes.  There are days when I want more.  Most days.  And, after years of soul searching to become a better person, I have come to terms with wanting more.

I love my car.  It’s sporty and black, holds a lot of stuff, has satellite radio, and gets 45 mpg.  Oh, and it’s paid for.  When the Panamera pulled in next to me a couple of weeks ago, was I jealous?  Yes.  Did I hate or resent the perfect, athleisurely-dressed woman who got out of it?  (pause while it ruminates)  No, I did not.  I should also note that she had Michelle Obama arms, and I’m jealous of those too.  I like the Panamera.  I don’t want a Panamera.  I would love Michelle Obama arms, and I’m working on it.  I’m okay with wanting more.

I love college sports.  I love the inspiring coaches, the hard-working student-athletes, the tradition, pageantry, fun, and the excitement.  When my team lost in the Sweet 16 in March, was I jealous?  Yes.  (breathe)  Devastated.  Heartbroken even.  Did I hate the other team?  Yeah, for a minute.  A few minutes.  And I was mildly happy that they lost in the Elite 8, but mostly because I liked the other team more.

Google told me the definition of jealous.  So it fits.  I feel envy of someone, their achievements, advantages, arms.  Then I picked up the Webster’s beast that sits next to my desk, the one I’ve used since high school.  Their definition was different – angrier.  Am I “resentfully envious” of that woman’s arms?  How can I resent someone who worked for something?  One is not simply born with Michelle Obama arms.  Well, unless you’re, you know…

jealous defimg_3652

Merriam-Webster used the words “hostile” and “intolerant” in their definition.  Urban Dictionary used “hatred/bitterness”.  The Online Etymology Dictionary uses “zealous” and “avaricious”, which don’t mean the same thing and seem to be on opposite sides of the positivity spectrum.  Envy is one of the seven deadly sins.

So what’s the word that describes my feeling?  I’m desirous for that car.  I’m wanting my arms to be more toned.  I fancy a national championship.  Why yes, yes I do.

To me, it’s not the feeling of want or desire that warrants that negativity.  It’s what we do after that twinge of jealousy hits.  We see that car and that lovely woman, and we’re jealous, so the search begins for something to critique.  Pink is not her color.  Spent a little too long in the tanning bed today?  I bet she just wears those yoga pants and doesn’t even work out.  That hard-working, well-coached team wins a game and our jealousy and anger and disappointment become downright shitty, against their team and our own.  Must be nice when you bail your star forward out of jail so they can finish the season.  What’s the point of being 7 feet tall if you can’t block shots?  That coach will never get us to the Final 4.

Sadly, these are all things I might have said in the mind of my former self.  As I read them out loud, I’m actually emotional.  I feel the swarm of negative thoughts circling.  (I love you, Coach.  I believe in you.)

Breathe.  This is where we say — Stop.  No.  Not me.  Not today.  I can be disappointed without succumbing to a death spiral of self-pity or lashing out.  I can want something more without resenting someone who has it.  I can be thrilled with my wonderful life right now, while I work hard for what’s next.  And I can be happy for another’s achievements, advantages, and arms.

So I’ll keep working, and breathing, and choosing joy.  I will always be that fierce, faithful supporter of my team and their coach.  I’ll add a little more weight to my workout.  I’ll continue to say Stop at the right time.  And I am going to be okay with wanting more.

 

Other thoughts:

From Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-body-blog/201508/3-ways-turn-jealousy-motivation-and-self-acceptance

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Amazing things will happen

I’m a quote person.  I like inspirational words and phrasing, and especially vocalized in a certain way.  There are three quotes above my desk right now.

Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.  

We find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.  -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. – Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Do you sense a trend?

That first quote about change was in my old office at a job I knew I couldn’t continue long term.  I need more, and that helped remind me to keep moving towards my goal.  Staying the same is completely fine in certain circumstances, but change is always possible, somehow, and as needed.

The second quote about direction I tore from my nephew’s high school graduation announcement.  Meant to be hopeful for 18-year olds heading off into the world, it was also inspirational for this 46-year old in the middle of a long job search.

And the Lewis Carroll is my far-reaching quote, and it is inspiring and emotional for me.  It’s a quote for dreamers who keep dreaming, for hopers and believers in some day, and for those who continue to work and know that it takes every bit of effort, overwhelming belief, and a little bit of luck, to get what you want.

To the left of these quotes is a window looking out to green, and a board with a few more bits of inspiration.  I love these words as well, except the bottom corner.  I’m not here to live the life I was destined for.  I’m here to live the life I make happen.

 

Another installment of a personal happiness project, revisited.

Do the thing with soul

It’s been a while.  I’m just going to pick it up.

 

Years ago, I did a personal happiness project to shift my life.  It worked, thankfully.  It’s time to revisit that, and I’m going to do it here.

There is a lot of negativity in the world. We have to fight for joy.  Fight for the soul in what we do.  Some things are easy.  Sometimes, the soul lies in wait.  We aren’t always ready for it.

But let’s get ready.

Yesterday, this piece of fantasticness popped up in my Shuffle on the way home from work.  It cleared the mind of job search and grad school and frustration with whatever.

The soul waits no more.  Just shake.

Heartbreak Hangover

Yesterday, my day started with hope.  I agree with the SiriusXM sports announcers who say it is the greatest day in all of sports – Day 1 of the NCAA Tournament.  It’s Christmas morning and the best birthday you’ve ever had.  You wake with that anticipation.  Swelling music should follow you around.  You’ve set your bracket.  You start the trash talk.  You watch all the videos March Madness has to offer.  You relive dunk shots and swats, and those perfect 3-pointers.  You recall the stats and heights of players who are preparing for battle.  You learn about campuses that never existed in your brain before.  You are full of the madness.  I was full.

My bracket probably looked a lot different than yours.  At the center of 64 was my alma mater – PURDUE – written in capital letters and highlighted.  #boilerup scrolled on top.  #hammerdown written beneath.  A loyalty bracket, they called it.  Mine looks the same every time, in the years when I’m lucky enough to see that name in the group.  Fellow alumni may have chosen North Carolina or Kansas again.  I can’t do that.  Call it delusional.  Call it stupid. I don’t care.  I call it faith.  I call it hope.  I see the world through gold and black colored glasses.

I am an all-weather fan.  It comes from sitting in Ross-Ade Stadium during the Fred Akers years.  It comes from the hope that, if you could just beat iu, that it would make the whole season okay.  My first football game, freshmen year, was Purdue vs. Miami of Ohio.  I sat there with a couple hundred of my closest friends, sweating in black, wool All-American Marching Band uniforms, when the skies opened up.  I think it rained four inches during that game.  Lightning hit the field.  That should have been a sign.  But week after week, for four years, I sat, marched, and played through those games – sweating, freezing, hoping.

I always hope.

Yesterday too.  I felt it.  I didn’t even consider that they wouldn’t win that game.

I was elated at the half.  I loved watching the dog fight.  I yelled their names and threw my fists in the air.  I hopped up and down and clapped with joy.  And then …  and then …  Double OT was what I got for loving the dog fight.

And then …

You feel pain differently when you go from hope to heartbreak.  Those damn colored glasses.

And then …

Negative internet commenters are the drudge of the earth.  You hide behind your anonymous Twitter profile and slam a 22-year old who misses a shot?  You call for firing the coach?  You use words like “hack”, “choke”, and “pathetic” to describe a team that could have just as easily given you a metaphorical blow job with one more basket and a stronger 3PT%.  You sit on your couch and you run the world.  But you are not there.  You are not them.  You are not.

They are.

They were there on that court with talent and pride, knowledge and muscle memory, with training and coaching, and yes, with hope.  You can’t tell me RayD didn’t feel the same hope I did.  And the joy I felt when AJ dunked was the same as Isaac’s joy.  The pride, the loyalty … they were shared feelings across many miles yesterday.  The frustration, the disbelief, the heartbreak … they were shared.  They are shared.

We’ve been there before, and I have to hope we won’t be there again.  I must.  After years of heartbreaking situations, I remain ever grateful, ever true.

Thank you BoilerBall.  It was a hell of a season.  I’m sorry it didn’t go our way.  Your way.  But I believe in you as players and coaches, as a team, as good men.

I remain proud.  I remain hopeful.  I believe.  Hail Purdue.  Boiler Up.  BTFU.

 

Twelve Months. Twelve Days. Twelve Moments.

To wrap up my year, I decided to choose one picture from each month of my phone’s 2015 camera roll.  When I actually sat down to do it, it wasn’t so easy.  Do you choose your favorite picture, or a picture of your favorite day, or a shot of something you still laugh about now, months later?   And it’s different choosing a picture now versus what I may have chosen months ago.  Our memories change.  Our emotions change.

These twelve pictures were clicks on my phone.  So fast.  They were simple and memorable and perfect in their own way.  That’s what moments are.  They add up to the hours of our days, and the days of our months and years.  Sartre compared moments to little diamonds.  Aren’t they though?  Some small, some big, some you’ll never have … some brilliant, some rough, all perfect in their own way.

It’s good to look back as we set intentions for the new year.  There are important people and important things that happen in our lives every single day.  It is about those big goals we set in front of us, and it’s about the little things too.  The lovely perfect and not-so-perfect things.  It is about the things we looked forward to, and those we never intended on, never planned on, never knew would come.  It is about the every day, and how we live each moment.

Enjoy.

“She smiled and said with an ecstatic air: “It shines like a little diamond”,
“What does?”
“This moment. It is round, it hangs in empty space like a little diamond; I am eternal.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, The Age of Reason

 

“If the whole world I once could see
On free soil stand, with the people free
Then to the moment might I say,
Linger awhile. . .so fair thou art.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust: First Part

Thank you. You’re welcome.

One of the lessons I had to learn during my personal happiness project was how to really say thank you and you’re welcome.   Oh, and mean it.  Sincerity was, perhaps, the more difficult lesson, I’ll have you know.  That’s embarrassing to admit, but I know I’m not the only one.

Someone pays you a compliment or gives you a gift, and sometimes we pass it off like it’s nothing.  “You shouldn’t have.” or “where did you find this?” are not the same as “thank you”.  “It was nothing.” or a shrug of the shoulders are not the same as “you’re welcome”.

It is at this point in the post when I could write that I was never taught how to do this, but in fact, I was.  I still believe in the power of a thank you note though most of the world doesn’t make the time.  That’s thanks to the 86-year old woman who still writes to me every week.  Recently, she even wrote to thank us for a gift that we didn’t send her.  (I’m sure that ruffled some feathers.)  You can be taught how to say thank you and how to write a thank you note, but I believe the sincerity is a hard lesson we learn on our own. And we must.

Friends, I understand that we have all been given a gift or two that we didn’t really care for.  I get it.  I’ve received them.  I’ve given them. I know.  Our satisfaction with the gift doesn’t change the effort with which it was given.  It doesn’t change the sentiment, so I believe it should not lessen the sincerity of our thank you.  Suck it up, and say it/write it/text it/message it.  If you choose to re-gift after the fact, be sincere it that too.  No judgments here.

I want to mention that I learned these lessons about thank you and you’re welcome in a country that doesn’t really say those things.  As I have been told, in the Chinese culture, friends are supposed to help each other, without question and without thanks.  It’s a beautiful idea.  My friend, Grace, helped me order something online last month and when I expressed my appreciation, she said, “no thank you.  Don’t say that.”  Without question and without thanks.  This can be difficult when gift giving because there is no comfort in the recipient’s satisfaction level.  When you give someone a gift and there is no response, you might wonder if they liked it, hated it, re-gifted it, never received it, didn’t give a shit about it, put it in a closet, etc.  That’s not just China though.  I get a 50% thank you rate on gifts among family and friends usually.  BUT that doesn’t change the sentiment.  It doesn’t change my intention.  Actually, it’s not a true measure of the satisfaction level either.  I visited someone last fall who had a gift from us displayed proudly on their desk, but they had never acknowledged receipt.

It took me a long time to learn that, while thank you is polite and important, it’s not necessary for me to hear it.  In the past, I would be frustrated and resentful if I didn’t get a thank you.  “I’m not giving them a gift anymore if they don’t know how to say thank you,” says someone I know.  When a family member doesn’t acknowledge you, that says something about them, not you.  I’ll continue to give their children holiday gifts whether they say thank you or not.  I will be happy to give whether I hear thank you or not.

This lesson is not about other people or other cultures, nor are the other lessons I learned and continue to struggle with.  My lessons are about me and the person I am.  I cannot blame others if I lack politeness or sincerity.  Stop making excuses.  I’m forty-four years old and I need to own my shit.  Talk about a hard lesson.

For the love of gifts, click on the pictures below.

Cups
Cups
Turkey
Turkey
xiexie
xiexie

For those who enjoy the brilliance of TED, take a look at what Laura Trice has to say on this subject.  http://www.ted.com/talks/laura_trice_suggests_we_all_say_thank_you?language=en

Every Day, and again tomorrow

Three years ago, I was in a bad place.  I was scared about a situation going on in our lives and I couldn’t see the end.  I was stuck in the mud and mire of not knowing.  Well, Yoda was right.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I was scared and angry, and my life suffered.  I think back to things I said, things I didn’t say …  I have moved on and yet, as I sit here thinking back to those spring days a few years ago, I can still feel a weight.  It’s a reminder of where I don’t want to be.

When you’re going through a hard time, you still talk, laugh, eat, eat again, live.  But there is always that weight.

What was my reason for the fear?  It won’t matter to you.  What matters to you is YOUR reason.  What matters to you is your fear and anger, your mud and mire.  Regardless of things you say, things you don’t say, what you do and the way people react to you and your situation, YOU MATTER.  That’s the first step out.

Sometimes what leads us to the first step is a light, and we find the light in so many different ways.  I remember my first glimpse of it.  I remember it exactly.  I remember the feeling of knowing again.  There would be an end.  And that was the beginning.

I held that light and it helped, but it took me months to figure out what to do with it, how to build it into something else.  Coming off a loss and a few hard lessons, it was nine months later when I launched into a personal happiness project.  There are many versions of it thanks to Gretchen Rubin – 30 days, 100 days, meditation, laugh therapy.  I decided that mine would be every day, no matter what.  I would think happy thoughts, create something, share it with the world, take it into my soul and believe it.  The next day, I would do it again.  It wasn’t full proof, but it worked for me.

Yes, I have slipped.  I am sorry for those times.  Happiness is a work in progress.  It’s a learning experience too.  My key was finding the light every day, and finding the light again when I slipped.

I want to share some of this journey with a few who might read this blog.  Share some thoughts and perhaps a rant or two, lessons learned.  There will be sunny, happy thoughts, a curse word or ten (you are warned), thankfulness, beauty, simplicity.  This is my project, a part of the simple adventure.  I truly hope you have found or will find yours too.

Part of my project were these photo creations that I shared on a Facebook page called The Simple Adventure.  They are still there, though I have stepped away from the page for a while to make changes to this blog.

The next part of my project is to change this blog a bit.  We’ll still share travel and stories, as well as life lessons from one who has found happiness in the world.  Read if you will.  Enjoy.