I’m jealous

I’m a good person.  Happy.  Thoughtful.  I work hard.  I’m loyal, philanthropic, diligent, funny with a generous dose of sarcasm.  I choose joy.  I like myself.

Do I want to be more and do more?  Yes.  There are days when I want more.  Most days.  And, after years of soul searching to become a better person, I have come to terms with wanting more.

I love my car.  It’s sporty and black, holds a lot of stuff, has satellite radio, and gets 45 mpg.  Oh, and it’s paid for.  When the Panamera pulled in next to me a couple of weeks ago, was I jealous?  Yes.  Did I hate or resent the perfect, athleisurely-dressed woman who got out of it?  (pause while it ruminates)  No, I did not.  I should also note that she had Michelle Obama arms, and I’m jealous of those too.  I like the Panamera.  I don’t want a Panamera.  I would love Michelle Obama arms, and I’m working on it.  I’m okay with wanting more.

I love college sports.  I love the inspiring coaches, the hard-working student-athletes, the tradition, pageantry, fun, and the excitement.  When my team lost in the Sweet 16 in March, was I jealous?  Yes.  (breathe)  Devastated.  Heartbroken even.  Did I hate the other team?  Yeah, for a minute.  A few minutes.  And I was mildly happy that they lost in the Elite 8, but mostly because I liked the other team more.

Google told me the definition of jealous.  So it fits.  I feel envy of someone, their achievements, advantages, arms.  Then I picked up the Webster’s beast that sits next to my desk, the one I’ve used since high school.  Their definition was different – angrier.  Am I “resentfully envious” of that woman’s arms?  How can I resent someone who worked for something?  One is not simply born with Michelle Obama arms.  Well, unless you’re, you know…

jealous defimg_3652

Merriam-Webster used the words “hostile” and “intolerant” in their definition.  Urban Dictionary used “hatred/bitterness”.  The Online Etymology Dictionary uses “zealous” and “avaricious”, which don’t mean the same thing and seem to be on opposite sides of the positivity spectrum.  Envy is one of the seven deadly sins.

So what’s the word that describes my feeling?  I’m desirous for that car.  I’m wanting my arms to be more toned.  I fancy a national championship.  Why yes, yes I do.

To me, it’s not the feeling of want or desire that warrants that negativity.  It’s what we do after that twinge of jealousy hits.  We see that car and that lovely woman, and we’re jealous, so the search begins for something to critique.  Pink is not her color.  Spent a little too long in the tanning bed today?  I bet she just wears those yoga pants and doesn’t even work out.  That hard-working, well-coached team wins a game and our jealousy and anger and disappointment become downright shitty, against their team and our own.  Must be nice when you bail your star forward out of jail so they can finish the season.  What’s the point of being 7 feet tall if you can’t block shots?  That coach will never get us to the Final 4.

Sadly, these are all things I might have said in the mind of my former self.  As I read them out loud, I’m actually emotional.  I feel the swarm of negative thoughts circling.  (I love you, Coach.  I believe in you.)

Breathe.  This is where we say — Stop.  No.  Not me.  Not today.  I can be disappointed without succumbing to a death spiral of self-pity or lashing out.  I can want something more without resenting someone who has it.  I can be thrilled with my wonderful life right now, while I work hard for what’s next.  And I can be happy for another’s achievements, advantages, and arms.

So I’ll keep working, and breathing, and choosing joy.  I will always be that fierce, faithful supporter of my team and their coach.  I’ll add a little more weight to my workout.  I’ll continue to say Stop at the right time.  And I am going to be okay with wanting more.

 

Other thoughts:

From Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-body-blog/201508/3-ways-turn-jealousy-motivation-and-self-acceptance

Amazing things will happen

I’m a quote person.  I like inspirational words and phrasing, and especially vocalized in a certain way.  There are three quotes above my desk right now.

Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same.  

We find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.  -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. – Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Do you sense a trend?

That first quote about change was in my old office at a job I knew I couldn’t continue long term.  I need more, and that helped remind me to keep moving towards my goal.  Staying the same is completely fine in certain circumstances, but change is always possible, somehow, and as needed.

The second quote about direction I tore from my nephew’s high school graduation announcement.  Meant to be hopeful for 18-year olds heading off into the world, it was also inspirational for this 46-year old in the middle of a long job search.

And the Lewis Carroll is my far-reaching quote, and it is inspiring and emotional for me.  It’s a quote for dreamers who keep dreaming, for hopers and believers in some day, and for those who continue to work and know that it takes every bit of effort, overwhelming belief, and a little bit of luck, to get what you want.

To the left of these quotes is a window looking out to green, and a board with a few more bits of inspiration.  I love these words as well, except the bottom corner.  I’m not here to live the life I was destined for.  I’m here to live the life I make happen.

 

Another installment of a personal happiness project, revisited.

Do the thing with soul

It’s been a while.  I’m just going to pick it up.

 

Years ago, I did a personal happiness project to shift my life.  It worked, thankfully.  It’s time to revisit that, and I’m going to do it here.

There is a lot of negativity in the world. We have to fight for joy.  Fight for the soul in what we do.  Some things are easy.  Sometimes, the soul lies in wait.  We aren’t always ready for it.

But let’s get ready.

Yesterday, this piece of fantasticness popped up in my Shuffle on the way home from work.  It cleared the mind of job search and grad school and frustration with whatever.

The soul waits no more.  Just shake.

Twelve Months. Twelve Days. Twelve Moments.

To wrap up my year, I decided to choose one picture from each month of my phone’s 2015 camera roll.  When I actually sat down to do it, it wasn’t so easy.  Do you choose your favorite picture, or a picture of your favorite day, or a shot of something you still laugh about now, months later?   And it’s different choosing a picture now versus what I may have chosen months ago.  Our memories change.  Our emotions change.

These twelve pictures were clicks on my phone.  So fast.  They were simple and memorable and perfect in their own way.  That’s what moments are.  They add up to the hours of our days, and the days of our months and years.  Sartre compared moments to little diamonds.  Aren’t they though?  Some small, some big, some you’ll never have … some brilliant, some rough, all perfect in their own way.

It’s good to look back as we set intentions for the new year.  There are important people and important things that happen in our lives every single day.  It is about those big goals we set in front of us, and it’s about the little things too.  The lovely perfect and not-so-perfect things.  It is about the things we looked forward to, and those we never intended on, never planned on, never knew would come.  It is about the every day, and how we live each moment.

Enjoy.

“She smiled and said with an ecstatic air: “It shines like a little diamond”,
“What does?”
“This moment. It is round, it hangs in empty space like a little diamond; I am eternal.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, The Age of Reason

 

“If the whole world I once could see
On free soil stand, with the people free
Then to the moment might I say,
Linger awhile. . .so fair thou art.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust: First Part

A Morning Walk

Years ago, I posted about my daily walk in Shenyang.  I made that walk so often going to Chinese class and the gym.  My view is different now that we’re back in South Carolina.  I still think of that vined archway that isn’t there anymore, the guitarist playing for small bills in the tunnel under Qingnian Dajie, and the way the buildings tower above.  I miss it.

Within a week back in the US, my friend D told me that I would grow tired of the question, “Are you glad to be back?”  Well, of course we are.  We’re glad to be back in a country where we can read everything and understand.  We’re more capable of navigating the politics and bullshit.  But people don’t ask that question in the same way we answer it.  People ask as though it’s a comparison.  “Glad” to be back here rather than still in Shenyang, as though the last five and a half years were tragic somehow.  A hardship.  And being back is better.  It’s difficult to be with people who don’t think about or appreciate our life there, and that we miss it from time to time.  But at least some people ask something.

This is part of culture shock.  Or maybe it’s just part of every day life.  Folks go on about their business.  Maybe they ask questions so they can answer it themselves.  Or they ask questions about only that which they know.  Many just live their lives in a state of comparison.

I’d rather live this life than that life.  I’d rather be a country mouse than a city mouse.  I’d rather be like me than be like her.  Well, you know what?  I’d rather Daniel Craig acknowledge that he is my secret boyfriend.  I’d rather peanut M&M’s were actually good for you.  I’d rather be sure that Glenn is still alive.

So, yes, I am glad to be in the United States, where life in Smalltown, America is pretty darn good.  I am glad that my morning walks are highlighted by blue skies and red brick.  I am happy to drive my little car down highway 29 every morning, saying hello to the cows on my way to work.

But I would be happy there too.  It isn’t a question of rather.

 

Miss – Not Miss

For five years, we have used and heard so many similar phrases.  Two of those especially – “I’m going to miss that.” and “I’m not going to miss that.”  Months ago, we started compiling a list of both of these.  It is not meant to be all-encompassing, and in some ways, merely gives my sarcasm another outlet.  There are simple things, obvious things, things that have grated on every last fiber of my being.  They have all left an impression.  Enjoy.

What We Will Not Miss
  1. Last Minuteness.  Very soon after moving to Shenyang, I knew the cultural differences would either drive me crazy or change me.  I will admit that the last minuteness has changed me for the better.  I can handle last minute changes in a much more accommodating and less WTF manner now.  But the lack of planning in most cases…  The reality that you can announce on Monday that you’re moving to a new school and you actually move on Thursday …  Not reserving the location for a 200-person event until days before…  And on and on.  Take a deep breath, you can do this.
  2. The Internet Service.  My theory is that they have to keep the internet speed slow so as to better control the information shared.
  3. Anxiety over health care.  This anxiety stems from the Great Broken Leg Incident of 2012.  What if something goes wrong?  What if my RA medicine stops working for me?  Can SOS land a helicopter in our parking lot for the airlift?  Is my husband annoyed that I still say to him, “Don’t fall down.”?  Would this drug pass a quality inspection from the FDA?  What if I slip on this frozen spit wad and crack my head open?
  4. Five Months of Winter.  Oh, South Carolina, you beautiful place, thank you for your days of winter, not your months of winter.  Thank you for your long sleeve tshirt weather in February and your early spring.  Thank you for your outside BBQ weather at Thanksgiving and your hiking possibilities in January.  For all these things and more, I will forgive your 102 heat index in July and the random ice storms in March.  I will relish wearing my Merrell boots two or three days a year, knowing they were broken in very well in the Chinese tundra.
  5. The Giant Panda.  That’s me, the giant panda on the street.  As a foreigner in China, do you get used to being stared at?  Having people talk about you while you’re standing right next to them?  Having them tell you you’re fat and beautiful in the same breath?  Asking you how old you are, how much money you make, and why you don’t have any children?  Every single time I go outside.  Every single day.  Maybe I have gotten used to it.  Maybe I stare back with my mean foreigner face a little more often now, muttering unmentionables under my breath.  Maybe I just say yes and thank you now when they tell me I’m fat and beautiful.  Maybe I would chuckle if a scooter driver’s rubbernecking caused him to have a small crash.  I won’t miss being the center of attention and being the giant panda on the street.  I won’t miss it at all.
  6. Being Driven.  Talk about grinding on every last nerve, this first world problem in a second world nation leads to a most explicit and detailed inner monologue on my part.  I’m not even talking about the traffic.  Read at your own risk.  “Pothole. Pothole. Pothole.  (swerve, bump)  Don’t get in that lane. (brake, swerve, change lanes)  Bus stop. Bus stop.  (brake, swerve, honk)  Crosswalk.  Yellow light.  Crosswalk.  (speed up, honk, no braking)  Downshift.  Downshift.  (grind)  Turn here. Turn here.  (oops.  Yeah, sure, now let’s go around our ass to get to our elbow, or just turn around in the middle of six fucking lanes)  …”  And their dickweed on-off use of the gas and brake pedals is enough to have driven my motion sickness into previously unknown front seat territory.   must stop writing   Sometimes, the available curse words are insufficient to meet my demands. 
  7. Smells.  I won’t miss asking out loud to no one on a regular basis, Why does my bathroom smell like cabbage?  Why does our neighbor have to cook fish five days a week (including the morning I started writing this)?  How is the ventilation in our building set up when my eyes water if a certain neighbor is cooking hot peppers?  Why does that stinky tofu have to live up to its name so damn well?
  8. Length of time for certain things.  A friend often used to vent about the length of time it takes a Chinese person at the ATM.  We learned later that they complete any number of transactions at the same time – get cash, pay the electric bill, move money, add to the mobile phone account, who knows what else.  I’m still trying to figure out why it takes some of them so damn long to order at Starbucks though.
  9. Barbie brooms.  For some reason, the only brooms and dustpans available for the home are these tiny, bright-colored plastic pieces of crap made for people no taller than 5’4″.
  10. Certain Public Noises.  Examples of public noises I will not miss – spit loogie preparation and launch, cutting of finger and toe nails, sunflower seed crunching.  I will also not miss seeing the remnants of these three activities.
  11. Flight Times.  I would bet money on the fact that no flight, ever, has taken off on time in China.  Ever.  Or only ours?
  12. Foreigners who come here thinking China should change for them. AND
  13. Foreigners who come here thinking they need to save China.  You will not change China.  You are not right just because some things are different, just because you don’t do it that way.  A different logic doesn’t mean it is not logical.  You should not expect that everyone speak English.  Sit your arrogant ass down and stop.
What We Will Miss
  1. My fresh market in the Hunnan District.  They know me.  They tell me if something is fresh, or pull a box out from the back to give me the best cucumbers or onions.  The beef lady knows I want a little fat in my mince, but not too much.  The pork lady says she misses me when it has been a few weeks.  The chicken man won’t let anyone cut in front of me despite the cultural tendency, and he knows I don’t want the head, feet or insides when I buy the whole chicken, or that, sometimes, I just want to buy the carcass if I have a plan for broth.  And my vegetable lady, who was Claire’s vegetable lady before me, loves it when she sees me coming, loves to recommend things, loves to ask me what I will make for dinner.  I pick out the biggest eggs from a huge pile on the egg lady’s wooden table, carefully placing them in a plastic bag and calling them my babies, hoping I can get home without a crack.  The fruit lady loves it when I buy the throw-away brownish bananas for baking, and those little bananas that taste so perfectly sweet.  There are piles of oranges in winter, peaches for one-a-day in summer, leeks for the best potato soup, and so much more.  When we move, my goal will be to find a pork tenderloin as perfect as the ones from this market.  My goal will be to eat fresh, real food as this market allowed me to do in Shenyang.  I will love farmer’s markets and Publix too, no doubt about that, but I will remember my somewhat hidden, somewhat smelly, somewhat perfect market on that small street with the donkeys.
  2. The cost of many things.  Since I reference the market, I will also say that we’re going to miss the cost of many things in China. Pork and beef cost about the same, but I typically spend about $5 for a full bag of vegetables.  Beautiful, hardback, notebooks for a dollar.  Vegetables for pennies.  Printing my own picture books and artwork for school in full color with a discount.  Staying at a cozy, clean small hostel for $20/night.  A $30 full body massage.  Of course, there are expensive things too.  Anything imported has an added “tax” of at least 50%.  I’ve never bought the large box of Cheerios because I can’t get passed the $13 sticker shock.  T still buys Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke at more than a dollar a can.  I suppose there is balance.
  3. My print shop.  I don’t know how many times I have visited this little shop over the years.  They know me.  The staff members have pictures taken with me.  They know I volunteer for the school so they give me a discount no matter what I’m printing.  And they do a beautiful job.  I create photo booth props for the kindergarten or a friend’s wedding, the yearbooks for school, decorations for holidays, photos and memory books, a special writing workbook we designed for ESL immersion learners, calendars … I’ve loved everything that came to life in that little shop.
  4. The Apartment.  Though we sometimes think fondly of a certain item sitting in a box in Blythewood, South Carolina, or the idea of watching our own garden grow, or wishing for no noise from an upstairs neighbor, we do appreciate these relatively no-hassle, furnished apartments we have lived in.
  5. What is That?  I wonder how many times this will happen in daily life back in the US.  We’ll be walking along at the grocery store, flea market, on the street or wherever, and we’ll see something, tilt our heads and squint our eyes, then ask, “What the hell is that?”  Many times in Shenyang, there is no real answer, just a laughable, made-up version of our own truth.
  6. The death-defying window washers.  They are a symbol of life in the big city in China.  Suspending how many floors up, sitting on a rope with their bucket hanging next to them, they do a job I could not/would not/should not do.
  7. Seeing the neighborhood Rolls Royce or Maybach.  It’s pretentious, I know, but Mercedes, Bentley, Maserati, Jaguar – these are old hat now.  A Porsche Panamera still warrants my loving glance, but I see one almost every day now.  The Rolls Royce, on the other hand, is a beautiful sight worth a slow walk by just hoping the door is open for a glance inside.  I’m talking about the classic black RR with chrome details and the driver wearing a hat.  The powder blue one with the crystal spirit of ecstasy gets a second look but for other reasons. Why would you paint your Rolls the color of a 1977 prom tuxedo?  And let’s not leave out the neighborhood Maybach!  That’s worth a stop-and-stare for so many reasons.
  8. Our People.  Our Friends.  Our Loved Ones.  I’ve tried three times to write this section and can’t bring myself to do it justic.  Winnie the Pooh said it well.  “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”  There are people who changed me; the ones who helped lead me back from someone I didn’t like very much, someone I didn’t want to be.  Azar Nasifi wrote, “You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”  Pieces of me will stay behind, and so many pieces of China will stay in my heart and mind forever.
You Get a Strange Feeling
You Get a Strange Feeling

Every Day, and again tomorrow

Three years ago, I was in a bad place.  I was scared about a situation going on in our lives and I couldn’t see the end.  I was stuck in the mud and mire of not knowing.  Well, Yoda was right.

“Fear is the path to the dark side.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I was scared and angry, and my life suffered.  I think back to things I said, things I didn’t say …  I have moved on and yet, as I sit here thinking back to those spring days a few years ago, I can still feel a weight.  It’s a reminder of where I don’t want to be.

When you’re going through a hard time, you still talk, laugh, eat, eat again, live.  But there is always that weight.

What was my reason for the fear?  It won’t matter to you.  What matters to you is YOUR reason.  What matters to you is your fear and anger, your mud and mire.  Regardless of things you say, things you don’t say, what you do and the way people react to you and your situation, YOU MATTER.  That’s the first step out.

Sometimes what leads us to the first step is a light, and we find the light in so many different ways.  I remember my first glimpse of it.  I remember it exactly.  I remember the feeling of knowing again.  There would be an end.  And that was the beginning.

I held that light and it helped, but it took me months to figure out what to do with it, how to build it into something else.  Coming off a loss and a few hard lessons, it was nine months later when I launched into a personal happiness project.  There are many versions of it thanks to Gretchen Rubin – 30 days, 100 days, meditation, laugh therapy.  I decided that mine would be every day, no matter what.  I would think happy thoughts, create something, share it with the world, take it into my soul and believe it.  The next day, I would do it again.  It wasn’t full proof, but it worked for me.

Yes, I have slipped.  I am sorry for those times.  Happiness is a work in progress.  It’s a learning experience too.  My key was finding the light every day, and finding the light again when I slipped.

I want to share some of this journey with a few who might read this blog.  Share some thoughts and perhaps a rant or two, lessons learned.  There will be sunny, happy thoughts, a curse word or ten (you are warned), thankfulness, beauty, simplicity.  This is my project, a part of the simple adventure.  I truly hope you have found or will find yours too.

Part of my project were these photo creations that I shared on a Facebook page called The Simple Adventure.  They are still there, though I have stepped away from the page for a while to make changes to this blog.

The next part of my project is to change this blog a bit.  We’ll still share travel and stories, as well as life lessons from one who has found happiness in the world.  Read if you will.  Enjoy.